October 8, 2017

As I hear the sermon today…another sermon I realize my situation.  I have been running from God by running from his word, which is why I need support from someone somewhere….so I prayed and decided to look and see what Basilla said on wordpress and I listened to the sermon today that convicted me that I need to return to the Father and quit finding opportunity to avoid his words.  His words are what keep me alive, keep me from letting all hell break loose on everyone around me (which I’ve been doing slightly but not fully).

I walked out of the ladies bible study today because they cut me off when I’m almost finished with a prayer request, then I have to endure their 20 min. of instruction of stuff I already learned 20 years ago to which I have to sit through and if I make one comment they all stare like OMG she said the world was gunna end someday….we won’t always be pampered and protected….Gasp!  I thought that being in a group of older women would provide for more room to communicate but it doesn’t.  They like to rattle on and talk and it takes them ten min. to tell all that’s going on in their life and let you speak for 15 seconds and then they can’t stand it…..they have to be rude and say….”Well, we’ll pray for you.”  So I got up and walked out.  Then when they asked what was wrong I said, “You cut me off I can’t talk here either.”

I could relate well to the guy who preached the sermon, like it was directed straight to me:  “The lines around my eyes are roadmaps….roadmaps to the pain no one cares to hear about.”  And he talked about the rejection he faced and how people were saying he was insane and how religion makes no sense to him and about the pain he felt while searching for the real God….not this fake God everyone likes to worship here:  the Anti

Christ God that says you don’t even have to forsake your sins. Then some more about loving your enemies….and who are my eneimies?  Practicly everyone:  definitely the men I fall in love with and most of the church for that matter and my own children and family.  Me?  Love them?  While I struggle to over jump this hurdle I realize I must equip. myself with the basic element:  God’s Word.  God, I pray just let me hunger for you as I did from the beginning…over twenty years ago or when I was a youth and couldn’t understand why I had doubts and depression.  Forgive me for being so angry, because someone has to arise above all this hell and realize I can’t do it without you.


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