Searching for Truth but finding Bondage Part C

After the adoption I moved in with my legal guardian’s parents, who were older adults in their 60’s who would have taken me in even with the baby, but no one told me this until it was really too late.  You don’t promise people a child and then change your mind the last month.  Even though I shouldn’t have cared what their situation was, still to be the better person I had to go with what I had led them to believe and that was the baby would be theirs no and if’s or butts about it…..and that’s what I *had* to do.  I just wish I had the “I don’t care” attitude I have now about people when they tell me their problems….it would have kept me from a lot of misery.  Not that I’m uncaring or insensitive towards people’s problems…it’s not my problem or it wasn’t that she couldn’t have children….that was their problem….I’m not God.

Moving on from this I moved into T. and D.’s parents house and they were strict like Hyles -Anderson college.  I stayed with them a year and had to wear dresses morning noon and night and I had become a little wild.  I went to college again, because of the advice of a person who thought I should persue something that payed well.  Never mind if it something of interest or not(which it wasn’t).  I wanted to pursue art and they wanted me to take nursing preliminaries.  So here I am in bondage still, to what other people want me to do.  Eventually, I got led astray again by someone I had a crush on who wanted me to join the Navy with him as a way for him to get early advancement.  I didn’t want to stay in Texas with him not there so I agreed….and that was like out of the frying pan and into the fire.

When you take a bunch of “horny” 20 year olds and you mix them together in the military and sometimes in the same barracks what do you get?  Sex, sex, babies and everything that goes with that.  I realized I was in a pickle after the first six months and wanted out….but then the war started.   I was in yet another bondage….sexual bondage…..and once you get started it’s just natural….you do it without thinking sometimes.  You don’t even plan on it…it just happens and the only way to stop it  is to leave ASAP even if you have to get pregnant to do it….and I did leave….planned on leaving a lot sooner and I grabbed the first good looking guy I could find to marry me and said “get me pregnant ….NOW!!!!!!” and got out of there!!!!!  Just too much  masculinity for me….and Satan sent quietman after me….OMG you just *had* to get me out of that one…..something told me to not even look at him in the face when he came to my table….and when I did it was just look quickly, shout NO as loudly as I could and run!!!!  I’ve never seen a man like him since….quiet, gorgeous 6’1….blonde hair…..intelligent…..manly…..awesome…..piercing blue eyes…..soft speaker……a total nightmare if your trying to avoid std’s and sex and if you want to live, which I did.  Even if he did ask me out it wouldn’t have lasted.  He was only 21 and not looking for anything but what they all look for at that age.

So after checking out the local Baptist church and the men there, which consisted of an  overly talkative 35 year old who had been in the Navy for eight years and was now desperately seeking a wife/someone to bear his children he had putting off having, a geeky red head who seemed uninterested in women, and blonde haired baby face who probably had a girl in every church….I decided on a husky dark haired Hill Billy from Texas who was dark skinned and kind-of goofy and who was crazy about me and only 19 whom I met at a garage on base where they fixed cars.  He was drop dead gorgeous and stong as an elephant….literally picking half my car up to get me out of a ditch one day.

Backing up a bit I remember the talkative 35 year old’s first words to me….they were, “I was a whoremonger.”  I thought, “Oh, really, thanks for telling me next time I’ll remember to bring a body guard.”  And I did….every time I went….which infuriated him!!!!  The talkative ones usually have some kind of devil (especially if they are older).  God did have a man there for me at that church, but I guess he stayed hidden and would not come forward, I guess to see what I would do.

Really, I was not concerned for these men’s salvation….they were only there to protect me from the 35 year old who seemed insistant that I was going to marry him because I revealed to him somewhat not purposely that I was going to have a baby and he wanted to marry me for no other reason than to be the father of that child.  As soon as they went forward for salvation and baptism I was ready to run because I did not want another religious pretender, I guess or goody two shoes.

I did meet Mr. Right (Tony was his name) rather accidently and not because he came looking for me.  I had borrowed a bowl from the talkative one when I picked cherries from his tree and he asked me to bring the bowl back.  I waited a long time….maybe six months.  The day I brought it back there was a dark haired, skinny, youth of about 18 standing in his yard (I think I might have been taller than him).  When I saw him he said, “Are you looking for T.?”  I didn’t speak much back then so I think I just nodded.  He said, “I’ve always wanted to meet you.”  I looked at him funny and thought, “Really?, you skinny little milk faced kid?”  Then out came T. and he rudely introduced us….Then he said it again….”Yea….I always wanted to meet you, the girl who brings Navy men to church with her!!!!!!”   And he got right in front of me and shouted that and I fell totally for him at that instant!  And I thought “I’m sapposed to marry you.”  We both knew it.  Then T. yelled at me from behind the same thing and that’s when I knew his mouth was moving about me from behind me.  I prefer someone who confronts me to the face.   And there was my husband….that little skinny milk faced boy looking man.  And I just stood there and stared at him like “I don’t know how to find you.”  “I’m lost.”  But he never wrote me one letter, never paid me one visit until it was too late.  After all the hell I went through to find him….coming all the way from Texas to WA state the least he could have done was introduce himself even *if* I was with another man….but he didn’t.  Then when I saw T….the 35 year old’s face turn red and I saw that he had a devil and how furious he was I ran off mad and got in the car and drove off in a hurry.  After that I met K…..the first man I married.

I let the dark haired muscular tan one go who I got engaged to and got pregnant by because I knew in my heart I didn’t really love him (not until after the baby was born).   I just didn’t trust that God had anyone in mind for me and I gave up and I just didn’t have the feelings I needed to commit to him so I let him go and ended up with no one, left the military pregnant and alone again….but at least with my child and out of sexual bondage……but when I moved into my mother’s house I was in bondage yet again….to her rules.  I’d work my rear off all weak at a nursing home as a nurse’s aid, I’d hand over my whole check and she’d scream….”That’s not enough!”  I never could give mamma enough money.  My sister didn’t have to work at all at mom’s house….but it was never enough where  I was concerned.  So I’m happy to be under my own roof now.

In my mother’s house I was desperately depressed, willing just to settle for just anyone again but it was too late.  I had already gotten engaged and technicly in God’s eyes married a man when we had sexual relations after agreeing to marry him .  But he wasn’t even eligible either because when I met him he was living with his fiance’.  Oh!  what a messed up world we live in!!!!!!

So back to church I went and met R., the second man I married.  R. was one of those overly talkative ones who waited until he was 30 to find a wife and have children and there I was, hurt, alone, depressed, desperate, lonely and he came after me with his Spanish eyes and he brought up marriage the first date.

He really had no intensions on loving me….I was just there to be his child producer/house cleaner/teacher of the children, which I wouldn’t have minded had there been love involved.

Maybe I should have stayed in the military and moved off base.  It seemed that that’s where the older men go to find a wife….to church after they’ve sewn their wild oats and want to finaly settle down.  My advice to young women is to find one who wants to marry young and give himself  to one woman at a young age.  The older ones just want to have their cake and eat it too.

R. and I were married fourteen years and it was a total nightmare.  I suspected he was cheating from the get go but wouldn’t bring myself to admit it….but it became obvious to me the last two years.  He slapped me two weeks after we got married and it just got worse from there.  And he was a talker.  When his best friend would come over they would talk till 5:00 am .

I never would forget on the birth of our third child….the very morning she was born he invited his best friend over to “help”.  Those two sat at the table and yapped about nothing non stop *all day* and I had to get up….bearly able to move and *try* and care for the children who were having to go without eating because they wouldn’t shut-up.  No women cared about me enough to come help….he took us out of church, his mother hated me, my mother hated me, no one in my family cared.  And I was afraid to say anything because I knew if I did it would cause an argument…..and it just got worse from there until I had to be hospitalized.

You know, sometimes I just feel so alone in this world….so alone.  But I do know God sees.

Now I just want my children and the children of Israel to be out of bondage.  I know God can and *will* do it.

I forgot to add that K. and I did remarry….after 19 years of separation and each of us marrying someone else….I did finally “fall” for him.  I think, for the most part, I was just mad…furious, insanely furious with men after the adoption, which was really the reason I joined, not because *I* was led to by my boy friend.  The real reason, even though I didn’t know it, was revenge.  I even dumped the father of my baby….and he was gorgeous!  He was a little off…in a way….kind-of goofy acting but that was just an act.  Why do intelligent men act goofy or dumb sometimes?  Probably to be different to get what they want?  Well, needless to say we did marry and I *did* fall for him, but he wasn’t being honest with me about his feelings….it was more of a paybacks type of thing.  Some people when they get hurt they want to hurt you in return over and over and they don’t care about the circumstances….they just want to get even time after time after time and sometimes you have to shut the door and never look back.

Living with K. and being his wife was nothing like when we were dating.  He was disabled and I took him everywhere….I drove him everywhere….to all his appointments.  After all day of that I’d have to come home and fix supper. If we went out….if we ever went out he stared at the tv the whole time.  I wasn’t even there to him.  If we were at home it was the same way.   I wasn’t really happy.  It was fake.  He was lying to me.  Someone warned me about him but I didn’t listen to them.  It was the Psyc. doctor at the hospital….she told me these type of people never change….she just didn’t want me to get hurt.  And she was right.  His only intensions were to hurt me or see someone else hurt me….it was all about paybacks.  And my soul knew it but the medication put me in a fog.

The whole time I had to be on like a triple dose of medication just to cope with the depression and pain in my heart because I was breaking God’s heart.  I knew I was in danger and I cried out to God every morning for four years.   I did not want to let go of God.  I was hanging on by a thread.  My testimony to this would be Psalm 40.  Read it when you get a chance…it’s about how God listens to people when they are trapped and I was.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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